Monthiversary

Today is the mark of our first month together. Growing, learning, laughing and crying. Seems like a small milestone compared to the time we have in our lives, but any time spent with you is important to me. I woke up on this day believing it was something to celebrate. Believing that you would want to spend it with me. Maybe that is just the hopeless romantic in me. 

Your messages were short. Every apathetic, one word response tore at my heart. You were in a bad mood. I wanted to cheer you up. A silly joke and a picture to make you smile. My efforts didn't work.

The good ole "it is not enough" thought hovers around in my mind; "you are not good enough." I have always been skilled at tearing myself down. Blaming everything that went wrong on myself. I searched for a way today, trying to explain to myself how I ruined it. For the first time in a very long time, I could not find an explanation.

I AM good enough. I do deserve you. I will earn your trust. I can make you happy. Will you let me? That I am not sure of. I know you are trying. You can only be hurt so many times before you let your fears overrun you. The hurt you have been through is something no one deserves. You deserve the best. 

You deserve happiness and pure bliss. You deserve to be loved and cared for. You deserve not to question that. You deserve to understand that I am not giving up. I understand the long and difficult process ahead of earning your trust. The many ups and downs of a relationship we will go through. 

I am here giving you my all. Trying to push those fears away so you can open your eyes and see that. Hoping there is a day in the future where I can hold you, be there for you, comfort you and let you know everything is going to be okay. I am not going anywhere.

Why do I fight so hard for you? Because I deserve that same happiness and bliss. Not because you are responsible for my happiness, but because of the pure joy I get from seeing you, talking to you and thinking of you. The tingles I feel from hearing you say my name. The warmth in my heart that takes over every time I get to see you.

I see such an amazing human being in front of me and for the first time, I believe I deserve that. I am ready to love you and I will fight for you until the day you are ready for me.

As for today, I am sorry you were in a bad mood. I am sorry I could not cheer you up. I am sorry you did not feel comfortable to lean on me and talk to me. I will continue to fight for the day that you choose to come to me.

I <3 you